Ten Things that Never Happen in FF7 Fanfiction
by Clement Rage
Summary: Not entirely serious, not entirely humourous.  Ten things that never happen in Final Fantasy 7 fanfiction.
1. 1  Mpreg

**10 things that never happen in Final Fantasy 7 Fanfiction**

**1. Mpreg**

Reeve was the last to arrive at Edge General Hospital, in time to see a doctor ramming the biggest syringe he'd even seen into Cloud Strife's abdomen. Tifa had broken the sound barrier as soon as she heard the news, and the others had followed by increments. He might not have been on time, but he'd use the full resources of the WRO if necessary. Cloud was handy to have around when genocidal maniacs were in the area.

The doctor's medical coat was torn and stained, one lens of his glasses cracked. Eyes hazy with pain, Cloud said something. The word Reeve caught was 'Sephiroth'. He snapped out his phone instantly, and began making orders assembling assault squadrons. Some people just did not know when to stay dead.

Still making countermeasures, he sent Cait Sith ahead to hear more. Cloud's eyes had closed, and the doctor turned to the others as the Robotic Cat came within listening range.

Tifa's stare found the doctor, who wrung his hands. "So...what exactly is wrong with him?"

An exhausted pair of eyes met hers. "Are you a relative?"

"I'm his...his...former next door neighbour."

"I...see."

Reeve stepped to her side, handing his phone to Cait Sith to continue mapping strategy.

"Everyone here is trustworthy but the ninja-"

"Hey!"

"Please, tell her what's wrong, even if the rest of us don't need to know. This woman is one of the only survivors of Nibelheim, and she managed not to be hunted down by the Turks all these years. She can keep a secret."

A sigh. "Okay then, ...Commissioner, Madam, if you will follow me?"

They followed him into the corridor. Cait Sith wrapped himself around Yuffie's leg to stop her following.

The Doctor turned to face them. "I don't quite know how to tell you this, but... Cloud Strife is pregnant."

"Whaat!" Commisssioner and barmaid whispered, "How?"

The doctor spread his hands. "I have no idea. Whatsoever." He grimaced. "I swore I'd never say that again after Geostigma."

Tifa didn't speak, so Reeve was left to conduct the remainder of the dialogue.

"He mentioned Sephiroth?"

"The last thing he remembers is a silver haired man slicing his bike to pieces in the middle of the Edge waste. We found evidence of an incision in his chest."

"And...that's it?"

"I'm afraid so. Pregnant is not precisely the right term, but we have no other equivalent. His condition is...unique, as far as I know, in medical history. I've torn the planet apart in the last few hours, looking for anything which might explain this− I even booted up a copy of Hojo's neural data and asked him. Nothing. He's furious."

"I had wondered why he looked so good in that dress..." Tifa murmured, staring out the window.

The Doctor looked at her. "He's not a hermaphrodite. We checked. And I don't think you quite understand the seriousness of the situation. If the foetus makes the wrong move, Cloud will be dead in seconds."

Her head snapped around. "Explain."

"He has no womb, so the foetus...It's not a foetus, by the way, that's just a convenient label. I've never seen anything like this thing. Whatever it is, it's found a home in his stomach, and appears to be sustaining itself by drinking his blood. It may be sentient parasite of some kind, like a tapeworm, but it's developing far too fast. The one thing my colleagues and I agree on is that it will eventually outgrow his body and try to emerge.

"The stomach is not built to contain something like that. As things stand, there's already been massive scarring. If it tries to emerge through his throat, Jugular and Carotid are ruptured, Oesophagus is probably crushed, and his neck might even snap. If it tries to go through the intestines, it'll make a horrific mess of his organs, and I'll be very surprised if Mako enhancements can save him. Option three, it'll take the direct route through his chest. That might almost be survivable , but it'll still be quite messy. I've just sedated the whatever it is, we'll go in to remove it as soon as I can find a surgeon willing to take responsibility, but that's proving hard work. I'll let you know how things turn out."

* * *

_Inspired by Alien, the BBC TV Show Black Books, and Mpreg fanfiction. Please review_


	2. Time Travel

_As requested, here's time travel. Thanks for reviewing, everyone._

**2. Time Travel**

Paper rustled as one Cloud Strife stepped into Nibel Manor's library. He'd prefer not to be here, truth be told, but he'd been commissioned to deliver a hard copy of one of Hojo's research theses to some academic in Junon, and 'You name it, we deliver it'. Tifa had been behind that tagline – she'd learned from her barkeeping years that good service resulted in recurring customers. Although it did result in quite a few calls requesting 'Inner Peace' or 'that hot barmaid's skirt' before he modified the small print. (In the last occasion, he'd brought along the owner of said skirt, complete with brass knuckles.)

So...here he was. Back home. If he was inclined to veer towards the cracked Mako tanks in the corner, he would find a few disjointed fingernail scratches etched into the side.

'Feeding time...now's our chance!'

He was most definately _not_ inclined to look in that direction.

"_Cloud, run!"_

"_My, how you've grown...I bet the girls never leave you alone..."_

Blood on a pink dress.

"...Okay, next time, I'm subcontracting Nibelheim pickups to Vincent."

Something rustled behind him, and the delivery boy spun with sword in hand. Footfalls, not a monster.

"Who's there?"

A long dress whispered again, and one Aeris Gainsborough, known for continuing to dispense advice despite being impaled some four years past, stepped into view.

"Hello, Cloud."

"Uh...hello?"

She smiled. "It's good to see you again."

"...Likewise." Bloodstains on her dress. "I didn't know you could appear in the real world outside the church."

"Special occasion. The planet's sent me with an offer. How would you like to change everything?"

"...Everything?"

"Zack. Me. Your Mom. Your town. The Planet can send you back in time, to put everything right."

"Why didn't it do it already?"

"...Good question. I don't know any more than she tells me. Are you interested?"

"Of course, but−"

**Flash**

Suddenly, the room he was in was different. Clean, sterile, lived in. A figure in a white coat was asleep in a chair nearby, beside a cot.

_Hojo. Imagine how many lives I could save by beheading him right now._

But the cot had caught his attention now, and he couldn't help but advance on it. Finding a child no more than a few months old, tufts of silver just beginning to poke through the crown of its head. The green Mako stare was chilling even now.

Cloud Strife slowly reached out and turned that face into the pillow.

_I can't leave thumbprints...anything to suggest this isn't just another cot death..._

_Zack. Tifa. Aeris. Mom. I'll fix things, I promise._

_... Countless monsters too strong for anyone else. President Shinra. _

Something cold, hard, and round, brushed the back of his skull.

"Step away from the cot," whispered Professor Hojo into his ear. That voice...

_I can't underestimate him...he's thirty years younger than when we last met, and I didn't hear him wake up. _

"...Please..." _Please? _"If I did something to you, you should've come for me. Don't hurt him." There was a ragged edge to his voice.

"Professor...I can't just..."

'**Maybe something'll happen that can never unhappen and that scares you, doesn't it?'**

_If I leave now, I may never get the chance again. If I kill him now, there could be effects I haven't dreamed of._

_...If the planet wants this done badly enough, I'll get another chance. She'll make sure of it. There's no need to... I need to think._

"Tarquin?" a woman called from an upper floor, "Is something−"

"Don't you dare come in here Lucrecia!"

The gun barrel wavered, and Cloud half turned, the sword hilt on his back forcing it slightly to one side. Hojo recovered instantly, but Cloud had already activated his Exit materia. He re-appeared just outside the Manor's front door and started running.

_Later..._

In a remote corner of the Nibelheim Mountains, Cloud bandaged the back of his neck. That had been very close, Hojo was quick in body as well as mind.

_He loves his child, he really does. Sephiroth will spend the rest of his childhood in a Mako Tank in a sealed vault. I'll have to slaughter half the Shinra building to get to him._

_Sorry, everyone._

_Wait._

_What happens if Sephiroth dies young? No Meteor, no Nibelheim..._

_Can I be sure of that? Shinra destroyed Corel, Banora, Gongaga, and Kalm, they don't have much trouble obliterating towns. Let's see...I join Shinra, I never make SOLDIER, I...am probably killed by AVALANCHE. Tifa lives out her life in Nibelheim, I never see her again._

_Zack stays with Aeris, and she's never kidnapped...wait. The Turks were following Aeris, on direct orders. They'd need to get Zack out of the way at some point to get to her. _

_Shinra crushes AVALANCHE...or at least isn't brought down by them. President Shinra is alive and still has absolute power. Mako reactors all operate at full capacity, leeching the Planet's lifeblood._

_...What does the Planet gain from that? The world is uglier in the future, but it's better. Mako is barely used, Rufus has to fight for every scrap of recognition Reeve feels like tossing his way. People are aware of the Planet's needs in a way they haven't been since the Cetra were everywhere. Don't tell me the Planet feels sorry for me..._

_Sephiroth isn't there, what do I lose? Tifa. Power. Without Sephiroth, I don't gain strength, Vincent's probably the only one who can match me in the future, and he's a Weapon._

_Weapon...Without Sephiroth, I don't gain that power, and with both of us gone or weak, nothing can match them. Shinra has power over the world...and the Weapons are all still alive. The Planet can unleash them all at once... wipe us all out for good, and start over._

Emerald and Ruby were still alive back in the future, but Emerald couldn't survive for more than minutes at a time out of water. Ruby had made her home in the middle of the Corel Desert, just another danger for unwary escapees. Alone, she couldn't bring down all of humanity, even weakened as they were.

Cloud looked up. "Sorry Aeris. No deal." He got up and walked away.

* * *

Some ten years later, Hojo was in Nibelheim on business when he summarily and inexplicably gunned down a man walking the streets of the town. The Turks suppressed inquiries, and it passed into seldom spoken of legend. Such a shame, though, neighbours tacitly agreed. He'd left a wife behind, and Mrs. Strife's son was barely a year old.

* * *

_**One thing I neglected to mention, because Cloud doesn't know about it. Without Sephiroth, no one stops AVALANCHE from firing that cannon at Midgar, and hence Shinra is obliterated too by the time the Weapons rise. (It's in Before Crisis)**_

_**This fanfiction does not contain incest. Cloud's Dad is a different person**_

_**I left Emerald and Ruby alive for storyline reasons. In game, you need to go to pretty extreme lengths to find them, and why make such an effort to take on two ridiculously lethal monsters that are keeping mostly to their own devices?**_


	3. Resurrection

_I'm cheating a little with this one, as this isn't quite a 'Walking Dead' Scenario. But I couldn't think of a plot for undead Aeris or Zack. Anyway, enjoy. Zack's mercenary business may have been viable, but that takes more than a oneshot to develop._

**Resurrection**

Zack Fair opened his eyes. He should be dead, he knew he should be dead. Not even Shinra grunts were stupid enough not to make sure.

_The Lifestream rejected me...why?_

A good question, but not really one he needed a solution for right away. He heaved himself upright. The question was, what was he supposed to do now? His sword was gone, his last bequest to Cloud. His legacy, the only reason he could really have claimed to die a hero. Cloud's life, preserved.

Raising his head, he glanced towards Midgar's skyline.

_Guess its back to Plan B. Mercenary in Midgar. Monsterhunter, until I can grab Aeris and skip town..._

He set out.

_She'll be shrouded with Turks, I can't just walk into the church. As soon as Shinra gets a hint that I'm alive, the entire army, not just one regiment, will hunt me down. Genesis did too much damage for them to let loose a SOLDIER 1__st__._

_...Can I really subject Aeris to that? I'll need to bring Elmyra too, or she'll just be taken hostage by Tseng or Heidegger. And look how I did protecting Cloud...he only escaped because the grunts let him. Kidnapping Aeris'll unite the Turks against me, and I don't think I can outrun them all._

A Hell Firaga melted a patch in Midgars outer shell for him to walk in. He repaired the gap as best he could with debris to keep out the monsters, and walked right past Aeris Gainsborough's church. He kept to the shadows passing through sector five.

'_Final' letter. Guess I have no choice._

Once he was out of the neighbourhoods where he was known, he headed for the nearest bar to get an idea of his bearings. How long was he dead? Where was Cloud?

'Tifa's Seventh Heaven' Where had he heard that name before?

_Oh, right, the flower wagon guy. _He pushed open the door. The woman serving at the bar glanced up, a cursory motion, and then her eyes snapped up to look right into his Mako tinted eyes.

"_You..."_

_Aw, shit, it's the Nibelheim guide girl._

The cold hate in her voice was enough. He'd get no help here. About to turn, he felt a gun barrel pressing into his neck. Even a SOLDIER couldn't survive piercer rounds at this range. Tifa reached beneath the bar and drew on a pair of leather gloves with spiked metal knuckles. The patrons, unable to escape doorward without entering the crossfire, froze in their seats.

"You know this guy, Tifa?" Whoever was behind him sounded huge.

"We've met." Her voice was brittle. "It didn't end well."

"If I'd known you were here I wouldn't have come. Look, I just need someone to deliver a message to sector 5−"

"Or what? You'll stab me and burn my home to the ground?"

"That had nothing to do with me, and you know it. I went after...him...as soon as I realised what had happened."

"As opposed to saving survivors, yeah."

"You're one to talk!"

Hesitation. "I went after Dad, not him. But−"

"Are you going to deliver my message or not? I promise, you'll never see me again."

"Is that right? What message, who to?"

"Aeris or Aerith Gainsborough, usually found in sector 5 church. There could be Turks around, but so long as you don't hurt her you should be okay. Just tell her that SOLDIER Zack Fair...is dead."

"...Why?"

"It...doesn't matter."

She glanced to one side. "Johnny, you okay with this?"

"Sure, Teef."

"Okay. Now, Soldier 1st Class Zack?"

"Yeah?"

"Get the hell out of my bar."

"Done."

"You sure, Tifa?" This was the gunman.

"...Yeah. Killing a SOLDIER here'd draw too much attention. Sorry."

The gun barrel was removed, and Zack turned to find a huge dark skinned man with one metal Gun-Arm still trained on him.

"Meet my bouncer, Barret Wallace. Shinra burned his hometown down." _Too. Okay, I get it, I'm going. _He took a step forward.

"Did you...know Cloud?"

Zack half turned. "He's here?"

Her face went blank, which was a complete giveaway in itself.

"It's Mako Addiction. Take good care of him." _She will. That's one worry less. _

"How'd he get-"

"It's, uh, complicated. Look, I really don't want to hang around..."

"..."

He took that as his cue to leave.

* * *

Sitting on the swing in the playground, Soldier 1st Class Zack Fair stared into the distance.

_Okay, two certainties first. I can't rejoin Shinra alive. Fact._

_I will not join AVALANCHE, they are fucking maniacs with no hope of success. Fact._

_Contacting Aeris will give Tseng the perfect excuse to just snatch her off the streets for good, and I'll have to kill Turks just to get that far._

_Cloud is safe. If I read her right, she'll die for him. Cloud, you should've spoken to her five years ago, the two of you would've been curled up in some corner when everything went to hell._

_Mercenary business in Midgar, cleaning up the monster population. It'll be hard not to run afoul of AVALANCHE, Shinra, or the gangs, but I might be able to pull it off._

_Mako Eyes are pretty hard to hide, though. If I'm too good at hunting,, I'll draw attention, if not, slum people relying on me die._

_Okay, Zack, think. What about your parents? If any hint I'm still alive leaks out, they'll have to live with a Turk escort for the rest of their lives. I'm good at running, at staying ahead of pursuit, but I'm not so good at hiding, that's really a Turk thing. They'll need to think I'm dead. For good, but how do I do that?_

'_Embrace your dreams, and no matter what happens...'_

_

* * *

_

Tseng dipped for his gun as the main doors to Shinra building were blasted off their hinges. He'd come down to restock his departmental supplies of potions from the gift shop... one of the lesser known difficulties of being more under suspicion from the Executives was a thousand tiny inconveniences. He would soon leave the company's encircling arms with his associates, but until then, he was a loyal servant. Creeping towards the railing, he gestured for the other customers to stay down.

Zack Fair, recently dead Zack Fair, was standing in the middle of the foyer, hands raised and pressed to the back of his own head. He stepped to the centre, not reacting as two off duty and two on duty marines levelled their weapons.

"Soldier 1st Class Zack, reporting. I hear Shinra is looking for me?" It was a whisper, but no one failed to hear. Nor his next words.

"Zack, no!"

"Hell firaga."

A soft thump on rich carpeting. Tseng looked around at the audience to his unthinking response, and knew he had to leave. Now.

**_So...Would you say I became a hero?_**

**_-Zack Fair_**


	4. Alternate Death

**4. X dies in place of Aeris.**

Cloud staggered back, sword in hand, grabbing at his temples

"Ugh...what are you making me do?"

Aeris Gainsborough, last of the Cetra, looked up and smiled. Neither of them thought to glance skyward. Red XIII, however, was already crouching to spring, and lunged forwards as the black cape fluttered towards the altar.

Nanaki crashed heavily into the Ancient, knocking her aside from the falling blade and causing the white materia to spill free of her grip. Aeris screamed, watching the orb roll to a stop just short of the altar's edge. Sephiroth plunged a heartbeat later, the blade intended for Aeris' heart punching through the Canyonite's back instead, severing his spine instantly. Sephiroth blinked at the rescue, but he had not become the General of Shinra by being easily shocked. Withdrawing his blade (twisting it savagely en route to end the Canyonite's suffering), he swiped at Aeris again as the Ancient lunged for the discarded white materia. The attack was aborted to spin aside from Cid Highwind's despairing leap. Hacking the spearpoint in half as it flashed past him, Sephiroth disembowelled the pilot, using the falling body to shield himself from Valentine, Wallace, and Kisaragi, who had since unlimbered long range weapons. Kicking Aeris away from the White materia, Sephiroth vanished rafterwards, returning instantly with a tentacle of Jenova to occupy the long range fighters' attention.

By this stage, Lockhart and Sith had made the altar, and the absurd stuffed Moogle got in the way of his next lunge. Hacking it in half, Sephiroth turned as Tifa leapt on his back, and got in one good strike before he turned and reopened the wound of five years past. Opposition finally dealt with, Sephiroth's boot crushed the White Materia to dust just as Aeris' fingers touched it, his blade bursting through her back in the same movement.

Cloud staggered to his feet as Sephiroth turned. Their eyes met. Sephiroth blinked first, and, eyes downward, spoke.

"If it's any comfort, Puppet, I only _intended_ to kill the Cetra girl." And he was gone.

**Alternate ending...**

As Sephiroth crushed the dull grey White materia to dust, a sword exploded out of his chest. Dropping to his knees, The Great General Sephiroth hissed through his teeth as his blood joined that already spilled.

"This...changes...nothing," he snarled, trying to stand and failing, "The Reunion...is still...at hand. Go...North and...see." Cloud withdrew Yoshiyuki and sliced the wounded general in half, skull to groin, leaving behind only red dust, a black cape, and an equally black materia. The Jenova fragment fell quickly to his attack from behind, whereupon Cloud Strife slowly sank to his knees. The sword clattered to the ground as his hands rose to cover his face.

"I...did it. But..."

Yuffie, hand shaking, sheathed her shuriken. "Is this... it? Have we won?"

Cloud Strife's head snapped up. "Some victory!" He slumped again.

"Whatever's left of Jenova is still out there. She'll try again." His eyes found the Materia. "But without this...she can't put her plan into action, and without Sephiroth, she doesn't have any servants powerful enough to take it back from us... Yuffie, I wouldn't try stealing this one if I were you."

"Cloud, I... I... You don't think I'd... Oh, forget it."

Barrett ejected spent shells from his gunarm. "So, uh, what now?"

The SOLDIER reached for his sword. "We...We can't just leave the others like this. I'll do it. Barret?" The coal miner was now standing on the island, just clear of the bloodstains, and Cloud handed him the Black Materia.

"Keep. This. Safe. Yuffie, Vincent, guard him and it with your lives. Sober nods from them all, as they drew their weapons again.

Cloud began...cleaning up, using handfuls of water from the lake to dilute the stains before they congealed. He closed eyes, he repacked intestines.

During the process, he found Cait Sith. The Mog had been sliced in half, but the cat himself had managed to leap clear with no more than a lost footpaw.

"Cloud, I'm so sorry I couldn't−"

"Shut up, Shinra spy! _You _survived, I see! Don't you dare pretend to be−"

The Cat's megaphone dashed the first thrust aside, scrambling back as best he could across the altar.

"I'm not pretending! I know you're upset, but−"

"Shut UP!" There was no blocking the second strike. The Cat slumped.

**Midgar...**

Reeve Tuesti, head of Shinra's Urban Development Department, drove his head at his metal desk, repeatedly and hard, lamenting that the only breakable thing in his office was his own body.

_Just what am I going to tell Elmyra and Marlene..._

**The Altar...**

There was too many for even shallow graves. All they could do was tip their fallen comrades over the edge of the island, into the depth of the lake's embrace.

'_You are a Puppet' _Jenova whispered in his head. _'Obey me'._

"Maybe. But right now I don't fucking care, so shut up NOW!"

The Goddess/Research Specimen subsided.

The others were looking at him. He glanced down. "Jenova. She's worried about what we're going to do next."

"What _are_ we going to do next?" Yuffie.

"Good question."

"What about this...Reunion?" Vincent.

"If he...comes back, we won't be able to keep it safe, not...without the others."

The coal miner passed the orb into his right (metal) fist...and clenched it. Crystal dust swept between his fingers.

Yuffie looked around.

"Well...I guess that's that. Let's go home."

**Alternative alternate ending**

'_You are a Puppet' Jenova whispered ' Obey me'_

"Barret...can I have the Black materia back for a second?"

"Sure, spikey."

"Thanks." Cloud bent down, and wrapped Sephiroth's cape around his shoulders.

He bent his head. "Yes, Mother."

There was a flash, and he was gone.

* * *

**I got a little carried away with the second ending, but it was just too much fun to stop writing. I think the 'Sephiroth keeps killing until he achieves his aim' part is believable, though.**


	5. Fraternal Love

**5. Fraternal Love**

Buster Sword bit into Dark Nation's neck, causing the creature to expire with a gurgle. Cloud's swordpoint rose to eye level.

Rufus Shinra, newly inaugurated President, smirked. He lowered his shotgun.

"Impressive. We could be related."

"Not funny." Buster Sword skated from the edge of the President's Barrier.

"It's not entirely impossible...Shinra Manor in Nibelheim was home to my father for a while, after all."

"You think I'd have lived to reach adulthood if I was a threat to your inheritance? Either that or the Turks would've set us up somewhere isolated with a private staff."

"My father did not discuss _all _his affairs with his bodyguards. He did have some discretion."

"Really. If that's true, then how would you know about it?" Steel blade touched barrier again.

"As you said, I wanted to sure of my position. I did some digging."

"I see."

"So...do we really need to fight? Shinra could use a man of your talents."

"You've never exactly been a fount of brotherly love..."

"So..."

"So this." Swordpoint drove forwards again, this time cracking the barrier and pinning Rufus to the side of the building.

"We may or may not be related, sir, but it makes no difference. Neither you nor your father did anything to protect mom, or to get me out of Nibelheim manor. You're only bringing this up now because it's convenient." Cloud Strife twisted the sword, prompting gasps from the President. Pristine white coat spattered with blood and sweat, Rufus smiled.

"We really are quite alike. Congratulations on your appointment, _sir._"

* * *

Cloud opened his eyes.

"Wow...that's what all these late nights are doing to me..."

There was a knock on the door.

"Cloud? Why are you shouting Rufus' name in the middle of the night?"

"Revenge fantasy."

"Oh, thank God! I was really worried for a second there."

Pause.

"_Worried how?"_


	6. Q&A

_I've been trying to post this for some time, but 'Error no 2' kept stopping me. Anyway, enjoy._

**6. Q&A**

**Hello, folks, after a great deal of diplomatic manoeuvres I now have gained access to an exclusive interview with the great Cloud Strife, known variously as Chocobo-head, Spiky, and 'that guy who talks to his motorcycle'. So, Cloud, how are you feeling today?**

"Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?"

**The bathroom skylight doesn't close properly. Would you mind answering a couple of questions?**

"...Can you think of any reason why I would?"

**To make me go away?**

"Sleepel."

**OH FU−**


	7. High School

_Note: I have no experience of the USA or Japanese education systems, which are usually what these kinds of fic are modelled on. What I do know is based on the PS2 Game _**Canis Canem Edit.**

**7. High School Fic**

Principal Shinra stared down at the boy.

"I've been handed three reports of you picking fights in other schools. But Midgar Academy is not like anywhere else in the world. We'll soon teach you the error of your ways. Fact. Now get out of my sight!

They were standing in front of the school gates. The Principal snapped his fingers at a random passerby. "You! Fair! Show the new boy around."

The victim, a boy with spiked black hair and an athletic build, saluted. "Yes, sir!" As President Shinra walked away, his guide grinned.

"Hey, I'm Zack. You new?"

"...Yes." The voice was quiet

"Okay, well, this school isn't like anywhere you're used to, so I'd better give a quick rundown. Got any gear you need to put in the dorm?"

Pause.

" I guess so."

"Okay. Dorm first, then Cafeteria. You need to know what you'll be dealing with."

They began walking.

"So, where're you from?"

"Nibelheim..."

"Yeah? Mountain town, right? One of our teachers used to live there, guy called Hojo. Stay away from him if you can. Teaches Biology, not someone you want to cross. There's a rumour that he keeps one of his wife's old boyfriends locked in his basement."

"...Wow."

"Yeah. That's the kinda school this is. Stay close to me and you'll be fine, though. I promise."

The new boy closed his eyes. "What am I doing here?"

Zack cocked his head. "Hey don't worry, I won't let anything happen... What's your name, by the way?"

"Cloud."

"You poor bastard."

Something ignited in Cloud's eyes, and his fists clenched. Zack smiled.

"Not a total doormat after all, huh? I think you'll do fine here."

They reached the boys dorm when the doors swung outwards. An older boy with long silver hair stalked past, his huge black coat flaring behind him. One shoulder clipped Cloud, who almost fell, but the silver haired boy didn't break stride. Zack leapt to restrain his charge as Cloud got back to his feet.

"Don't do anything stupid. That's Sephiroth Crescent, the schools fencing champ. He's not someone you want to mess with."

"He didn't even look at me!"

" He's like that now. The family situation is complicated."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. His Mom died when he was young and donated her body to science. Science injected the body with the DNA of an immortal research specimen, and she came back to life. His Mom, his Dad, and the research specimen have been locked in a custody battle ever since. It's been hard on him, and he went a little off the rails when he found out."

"..._What?"_

"I'm not sure how it happened either."

They reached the dorm marked for Cloud, and the new boy deposited his gear...among which, Zack noticed was a two handed pellet gun and a blunted fencing sabre.

"You can fight? Good. Here, you're going to need it. It'd probably be a good idea to bring one of those with you when you're walking around. Now, let's go to the cafeteria, it's a good way to get to grips with this place.

0000000000000000

They took an empty table in the corner, giving them a good view of the room in general. Zack, between bites, explained the factions.

"See that guy in the white coat with the red hair?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"That is Rufus Shinra, the Student Council President. He's the Principal's son, and someone you should probably keep away from. He's backed by the class reps and the prefects...they're the ones in the blue coats. The faculty are mostly behind them too, which means that Rufus Shinra has more money and influence than any two other factions combined. They don't have as many awesome fighters though, so as long as you don't get cornered, you can usually get by.

"You've already met Sephiroth. He's a 1st Class Student, but he's not much of a team player. He's got a few groupies who dress in black capes, but mostly works alone. Used to be one of Rufus', but after his family troubles, he's a force in itself. Everyone tries to keep out of his way."

"The guy in the red coat is called Genesis. Sephiroth's favourite sparring partner, he runs the Literature Club. Whatever you do, don't insult the play LOVELESS to his face.

"The skinny guy with the glasses is called Fuhito., Hojo's top student. His followers call themselves AVALANCHE, they're environmentalists. Got a lot of people behind him too, He's set himself against the Shinras. He's got resources, and one very good fighter, girl called Elfe. He's been causing Shinra a lot of trouble, but he's not choosing his targets well, so Shinra are still on top.

"The big black guy with the metal arm's called Barret, teaches Geology. He lost an arm a few years back, when a Shinra AVALANCHE war went horribly wrong. So now he hates the Shinra's and he's backing AVALANCHE II. They've much less resources and people than Fuhito, but they're picking their targets really well, so they're actually hurting the Shinra more."

A pair of arms encircled Zack from behind, Cloud blinked as a girl with brown hair and startlingly green eyes smiled at him.

"Hi."

"And this is Aeris." Zack hooked an arm around her waist. "She runs a flower shop with her stepmom in town. Hi, I've just been teaching the new kid his way around, how's Elmyra?"

"Asking for you. Something to do with a flower wagon you were supposed to make."

"Oh shit!" The door swung in his wake.

Aeris smiled. "So, what have you learned?"

"That I picked the wrong school. All this fighting..."

"Yeah?" She produced a daisy from somewhere and tucked it into his lapel. "Don't worry about it. Watch this."

Spoons flew in two directions. Both were snatched out of the air by older students standing beside Rufus and Fuhito...a prefect with long black hair and Elfe respectively. The two factions charged each other, with the brutality only the school system can get away with.

"Anyway, I'd better be getting back to the shop. Nice meeting you."

"Likewise."

0000000

Two blue coated Turks looked at each other as the cafeteria battle worsened. As prefects, it was up to them to calm things down.

"Yo Rude...This thing, it got any bite to it?"

"Shinra technology at its finest."

**_Six months earlier..._**

"I declare Rude's flash bomb to be this year's winner! This truly is Shinra technology at its finest!"

Cheers.

"Second prize goes to Ms. Shalua Rui and her robotic arm/life support system. Third to Fuhito and his immortality tanks.

"And now the faculty competition...Third Prize, Ms. Scarlet and her intercontinental cannon. 2nd, Reeve Tuesti and his autonomous cat robot. And 1st, Mr. Palmer with his rocket capable of breaking the earths' atmosphere. That concludes this year's young Scientist Competition!"

**_The present..._**

Zack was back in school for the evening meal, by which time the cafeteria had been cleaned up. Cloud was feeling a bit more secure in his surroundings. Footsteps.

Zack looked up. "Hey, That's Tifa. She's the school's top MMA student."

Blush. "Yeah. She used to live next door to me."

"Used to? What happened?"

She reached them. "...Cloud? Is that you?"

Mute nod.

"I thought so, but..." A glance downward. "Have you picked a side yet?"

Zack glanced up. "He got here this morning."

"Okay, I understand. Anyway, I'm AVALANCHE II, and we're really hurting for help. Think about it."

She turned and left.

Zack looked at his charge. "Well?"

"I dunno...I don't care much either way. Do you have a side?"

"Used to be Shinra. Now, I'm pretty neutral, just trying to keep out of the way. I freelance now and again."

"Mercenary, huh?"

000000000000000000

_**Three weeks later...**_

"We've cut the powerlines. The President is really paranoid, though. There's eight generators on campus."

C'mon newcomer...follow me."

* * *

Y'know, I almost think I could make this a multichapter. Please review, compliments not compulsory.


	8. Self inserts

**8. Self Inserts**

"Oh, fuck. I'm in Midgar." Similar sentiments continued for some time.

Clement Rage closed his eyes. "This _is Ten Things,_ isn't it? What would I write about this? What do male inserts even do? I can't remember ever reading one. ...Travel with the party, right? ...But...I'd want to write something that wouldn't usually happen. So, what? Random encounter?"

He looked around. A large empty space, ringed by stacks of mechanical debris. "This...looks like...sector five. But, it could be somewhere we don't see in game."

Pause.

"Hey, why am I narrating my thoughts?"

Suddenly, everything in his vision cracked and blurred, and he found himself in something that passed for a battle stance, facing a humanoid form. The transition to the battle screen was disorienting, and the unwary author lost his chance at a first strike. The mugger ran at him, slashing his scalp, other hand sneaking in to fish in his pocket, coming up empty.

"Wait!"

The mugger paused, eyeing the bleeding author.

"What?"

"I'm not carrying anything; unless you plan to eat me, you're wasting your time."

A shrug. Regaining his feet slowly, Clement turned and tried to flee, at first only running idiotically on the spot before finally putting distance between himself and his attacker. Lightheaded from his bleeding scalp, he stumbled through a wooden door and onto a seat.

"Okay, calm down...At least I'm not in Soul Reaver this time."

"Who're you?"

Clement looked up. Pink dress, ribbon bound in materia...Guard Stick in hand and ready. Just in case...

He raised empty hands. "Who're _you_?"

"Aeris Gainsborough. I sell flowers."

Clement shook his head. He couldn't afford to make a mistake here...What would a Midgarite say...

"Flowers? Here?" Aeris took a step back, grip relaxing. Slightly. She could still bring it into play if he decided to attack for some reason.

"How'd you get them to grow?"

"I don't do much, to tell the truth. They wouldn't even need any help from me if people didn't step on them so much."

Pause. Glancing up, Clement noticed that she hadn't lowered the staff.

"Big problem?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Used to raise flower beds back home in ... Costa. The thing to do is, right, you get some of these floorboards, drive some nails through them, and leave them points up in the middle of the bed. I guarantee you won't have that problem for long."

Aeris looked at him, teeth flashing. _Flashing teeth? Yep, I'm definitely writing this._

"Um...Interesting, but I'm not sure that's the best solution..."

"Why not? As long as you warn people when they come in, no one will need to be hurt. People will learn that stomping on flowers is a bad idea."

"What if someone falls off the plate? That's how I met my boyfriend."

"...Aw, come on now, how likely is that to happen twice?"

Aeris glanced down. "I guess...you're right."

"Okay, well...sorry to interrupt. Give me a potion for this head wound and I'll leave you alone."

Pocket fishing, before Aeris laid the potion on the floorboards and backed away so he could collect it.

"You never did tell me your name..."

"...Em, Wedge."

Clement turned and left.

_Okay, I may have just destroyed the world, but why should I care? It's not my world, and I'll never live long enough to die in Meteorfall. The game is out, the story is set...what have I got to lose? Maybe the planet will think twice before snatching mediocre authors running quasi-parody series in future. And to anyone reading, Head wounds are really sore! Fuck you for revelling in my pain!_

**Later that day...**

Crash

Aeris screamed, scrabbling for curative items as the victim of her newest addition to the flower bed moaned in pain. The sword slung on his back had blunted a lot of the impacts, but he was still in bad shape. As she levered him upright, a familiar red haired Turk arrived at a run accompanied by three Shinra soldiers.

"I don't know who you are," the man she was supporting said through gritted teeth, "but−"

"You don't know me?"

"Don't fight here...you'll ruin the flowers."

The lead Turk glanced at the wounded...SOLDIER? "Those are Mako eye−Aagh!"

"Boss? Are you okay?"

"D− Don't step on the F−flowers..."

* * *

**This is not a realistic depiction of me transported to Midgar. **

**I feel I should mention that there's a pretty good self insert called 'Forewarned is Forearmed' being written at the moment in the FF7 section.**

**I have nothing against Soul Reaver –quite the opposite- but it's populated largely by starving vampires, making it not very hospitable to transported authors. Thus.**


	9. The first female SOLDIER

_I'm running out of slots..._

**The First Female SOLDIER**

Lazard looked up at the clickety click of heels approaching his desk.

"Yes?"

"I'd like to apply to join SOLDIER."

"Form 36B."

"What?"

"Form 36B." He handed her a page. "You'll also have to submit to a medical examination. Have you any military experience?"

"Well..."

**Later...**

"You've never been in so much as a school fight, have almost no muscle mass, refuse to cut your hair, nails, or remove your jewellery. You're 5'2'', and started to cry when you saw the needles."

"I don't get why what I'm wearing is a problem. All the soldier 1sts wear what they like."

"They've spent all their lives training to become that good. All the thirds spend their time in uniform. It's not just a matter of getting injections. Becoming a SOLDIER 1st Class is a twenty year commitment. Until then, you would be working as a third, which involves heavy training, and actual combat. You'd get to see the Firsts about once or twice a year at most, and Sephiroth is not going to go out of his way to rescue a single third that gets into trouble. You would be _his _battle support, which means you'll be thrown into all the ugliest situations first. You are a _SOLDIER, _recruit,which means blood. Do you understand this?"

"...Ye- Yes."

"Welcome aboard."

"Yes! I'm the first female SOLDIER! I'm bound to get noticed by one of the firsts!"

"...Actually, we already have thirty eight women. Good to see new blood, what with twenty percent of SOLDIER either dying or being turned into genesis copies in their first five years..."

"..."


	10. Walking Dead

_Early on, a review asked for a Walking Dead chapter, so...Potential spoilers for the comics!_

**Undead Hordes (and other problems posed by modern society)**

Nick opened his eyes to silence. One hand snaked down to probe his bandage.

"I hate being shot."

Breath. There was a dull ache from his ribs, but he was in surprisingly good shape as he raised his head.

There was a coating of dust on his bedside locker, and the IV was dry. In Healen, then, where privileged customers got first choice. Still, this seemed a bit odd. How long could a coma patient survive without care, anyway? Nobody was nearby.

"He– Hello?"

Hordes of eager nurses completely failed to rush to his aid. He levered himself up on one elbow.

_What is going on?_

After a good half hour, he gained his feet. It took longer to work up the nerve to remove the catheter, although the printed instructions helped. No care worker of any kind arrived during this time, and he decided to file a complaint to the WRO when he got the chance. He'd paid insurance for better service than this, dammit!

Barefoot, he stumbled towards the door, taking a moment to call the elevator. A corpse tumbled out of it, bullet mark clearly visible between its eyes. It was not a recent death...two, three weeks at least. He walked back to the nurse station, opening drawers until he found a mastered Cure materia, before laboriously struggling into his WRO uniform and resuming his efforts to leave the building.

Something had happened here, clearly. He was not armed, as hospitals frowned on coma patients having easy access to weapons. Some kind of battle had taken place downstairs, with an expanding circle of wrapped corpses surrounding the front of the building. They were almost exclusively killed by headshots or strikes at the skull, although there was some evidence of explosives. Some kind of stand had taken place at the main entrance, and whoever had defended the entrance had disappeared.

The attackers were a strange blend. Men, women, and children, almost exclusively in civilian clothes, carrying few weapons and none drawn, seemed to have rushed well armed fighters at the building entrance... with predictable results. At one point, the mob had been raked with railguns from above, probably courtesy of Rufus Shinra's personal helicopter.

Most of the vehicles were gone from the carpark, but he found a delivery van that would travel, and went looking for his family.

000000

Edge was quiet, even moreso than usual. It had had roughly five hundred inhabitants pre-Deepground, but after the purges, now sported less than half that. And now, the streets were silent, dotted with the occasional rotting corpse as Nick walked into the centre, that monument to Meteor than Shinra had so kindly funded to replace after Bahamut had flattened it. No one stepped out to challenge him.

"Well, that's it for town. Built as a Refugee Camp, destroyed by Bahamut, slaughtered by Deepground. And now liquidated again. I know I'm not coming back to live here."

A noise. Nick turned. Several of the less damaged corpses had struggled to their feet and were advancing on him.

He breathed out. "Oh, it's just undead."

He walked away, leaving the corpses to slowly stumble after him before eventually losing interest.

At the edge of the town, someone called his name.

**WRO Headquarters...**

Two soldiers eyed the advancing horde of undead. Cait Sith had been in Kalm when the dead began to rise, and there had been plenty of time to seal WRO HQ.

"My turn."

"No, mine."

"Aw, come on, you did it last time! It'll probably be years before I next get the chance to shoot blindly into a mass of civilians."

"Oh, go on then..."

The soldier sat down at the gun turret. A low swathe swept the front ranks off their feet, piercer ammunition ripping away limbs. The advance continued, undead crawling forward.

The watching soldier raised a hand.

"According to our reports, headshots are the only sure way to bring them down permanently."

The shooter didn't look up. "Don't tell me my business. Heads are small bobbing targets that move around a lot at different heights. Whereas if I take the feet, they all have to crawl around, so even if they get past me, they'll wear their hands to nubs in a couple of weeks.

"And that helps us now, how?"

"Well," the soldier said, mowing down further ranks of advancing undead, as they struggled upright and staggered onwards, only to take a second burst a bit closer to the turret. "Legs are useful appendages. They can do all manner of things, from lifting considerable weights to facilitating the movement of the individual from place to place. Thus, their removal severely curtails these undead gentlemen in their attempts to feed off the blood of the living. Crawling, they'll have a much harder time getting over our barriers."

Two Armoured Personnel Carriers were parked across the entrance to the WRO HQ, the two soldiers manning a gun turret facing the canyons that an approach would need to be made from. There had been some undead that tried to advance over the cliffs, but they'd just fallen over the edge. Which hadn't quite stopped them, but it took extreme ill luck to fall foul of a zombie with both its legs broken in multiple places.

The two soldiers would theoretically have no easy retreat if the undead broke through, but nothing had even come close to reaching them yet. Duty was even beginning to be boring as the attacks ebbed.

The WRO HQ was uniquely positioned to deal with a situation such as this, in that it was located in an isolated area, was fortified enough to keep out a reasonable attack. Some within were beginning to wonder what the Commissioner hadn't been telling them when he chose the site.

The mob of undead stilled. Many of them would still be animated, but piercer ammunition from a turret could do enough damage to blast them into immobility, and when the first swathe had toppled the front rankers, many heads had been reduced to knee height in time for the second burst.

One of the soldiers slapped his forehead. "Oh crap!"

"What? What's wrong?"

"I forgot my earmuffs!"

000000

Nick spun.

"It's me!"

"Oh, Sean. You scared me." Sean had been his partner on patrol, in the branch of the WRO that enforced local laws. Neither of them were born fighters.

"Sorry. Good to have you back, man. Come on, I know there's someone you'll want to see..."

Sean and a handful of survivors were living in a makeshift camp close to the limit of Edge, which was, yet again, a ghost town. After introductions and other necessary housekeeping chores were out of the way, including Nick's reintroduction to his wife and child, talk naturally turned to what this little band of survivors should do next.

"I don't think we need to do a thing. The WRO will clean this up pretty quickly like the DGs, they'll come find us eventually." Sean's opinion.

"I don't know, man. There's a lot of bodies in Midgar. We should get away from here."

"And how will they get out? The city has walls. Besides, do you know how to scavenge? Undead we can deal with, how about Guard Hounds? Kalm Fangs? This is the Midgar wastes, we're not going to find food anywhere. We have to stay until the WRO pick us up, it's the only way."

"Silence, sidekick! I'm an action hero now, I don't have time to listen to you! Also, everyone should start carrying guns, including my seven year old."

"You didn't ask me about this..." Nick's wife, Laura.

"Silence, woman! No self respecting action hero wastes time paying attention to his wife!"

And it appeared as though the argument was about to go badly for Nick, but fortunately some undead chose that moment to show up and prove his point for him. Their current location was proved to be unsafe, which may have had something to do with sitting around a fire at night arguing loudly with no one watching out for invaders, instead of, say, getting inside the vehicles once it got dark. So the party moved on to much safer locations, like a farm where undead were kept in the barn, a housing estate full of undead, and a fortified prison populated by same.

And Sean was shot by Nick's son for pulling a gun on Nick during a hunting trip, bringing to a close any dangerous ambiguity about the party's potential course of action. So that turned out fine.

000000

The world had faced challenges, but its people were all the tougher for that. They'd survived WEAPONs, Meteor, and DGs. The average citizens who were easy to kill were mostly already dead, and the tendency of corpses to dissolve into the Lifestream after death meant that there wasn't a wealth of bodies to be revived. Fifteen thousand undead came back to life on the Northern continent, but no one noticed, as they were all frozen into immobility anyway. Several tried to cross the Corel desert, but were quickly stripped to the bone by sandstorms and fell apart. Certain settlements, such as the ever unfortunate Edge, and Bone Village, suffered severe losses, but the WRO air fleet had the whole epidemic under control in just over a month. They introduced a new law requiring corpses to be burned upon death, and the world went on as though nothing had happened. Because given what this world had to deal with on the average day, nothing very serious _had_ happened.

* * *

_As you can see, I'm not particularly a fan of the whole 'Walking Dead' genre. The only really good example I've seen is __**28 Days Later, **__which features 'infected' instead. And, considering that normal people on Earth can handle themselves pretty well in a Undead Apocalypse, I can't see the much more resilient FF7 people having that much trouble, especially as undead monsters already exist in the gameworld and people know how to deal with them. Oh well..._

_I'm out of slots, so this appears to be it, folks. Concepts that didn't get aired include the 'Tifa rape', 'body/gender swaps', and 'WRO/Turk Office Dynamic.' _

_I had a lot of fun, but if there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this, it's _

_DON'T PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO ME! _

_I doubt it's necessary to say this, but write whatever you like, have fun with it, and don't pay too much attention to what people say. There are excellent fics written about every single one of the premises I've dealt with in this (I haven't read a good Mpreg, true, but I'm sure there's one out there)._

_Thanks to everyone who made suggestions, reviewed, or just read. Compliments are not compulsory. _


End file.
